How a car crash can change the course of life. Part II

I decided to write two parts on this subject because after I re-read the first part i felt like i hold back what followed after the crash.

When i got out of the hospital i was broken, badly broken on the inside. My baby, my car was all mush.. Even though i had a cast around my ankle i climbed into a taxi and went to the garage where my life was.. and i sat down next to it and i cried. Oh God i cried for so long i cant remember. I couldnt understand why it happend to me, why? I was angry on everyone, on God, why did He let it happen to me? He knew i love that car more than i love myself, and yet why? In the morning, after i cried my heart out next to it, i went home.

I decided to quit med. school because my heart wasn’t there anymore. I couldnt feel the rush of going to the hospital, of going into the E.R. anymore. I became reckless. I stopped studying. I quit.

I decided to move out of town because i knew those streets like the palm of my hand and it became harder and harder for me to walk among them without Mr.H. Yes, my car is mister H. So i moved out. I took Mr.H. and left without looking back. With half the money i got on the apartment when i sold, i bought a smaller one in the new city. I then rented a garage and started to make a list of parts i needed to buy in order for me to fix what i broke inside and outside Mr.H. And i started working. And i worked half of year until i brought Mr.H back to life again. Thank God my father taught me mechanics when i was younger.

My mother and father bought Mr.H for me when I was 17. I remember that my mother didn’t agree with my father at first to buy me a 400 bhp sports car because she knew i was stubborn and i wouldnt let it stock at 400bhp. And it was the truth. In the first year I raised it up to 460 bhp. It was the best year of my life! Now it runs with 580bhp and i believe i remain at this performance.

I bought a place and opened a car service. It’s a small garage, with top priority work tools but it helped me recover.

I’m not sure i have fully recovered or if i will ever fully recover. I have a small mark on my right hand where a piece of glass got in  when i had the accident.. I look at it every single day and i remember the pain i felt. Not only the pain my body felt, but the pain my mind and soul felt. I still have flashbacks with the moments prior to the crash, when i go to bed at night.

This sort of life traumas remain with you forever. If they dont, and you found a way to get over things like this, please tell me how to do it!

How a car crash can change the course of life. Part I

After I put my cookies into the oven I sat down for a cigarrete and I had a moment.. let’s call it a throwback moment.

Some years ago i experienced a trauma in a car crash. My first and hopefully my last car crash. Besides my regular drivers licence, i got my legal racer/pilot license. It was such an intense moment when I proudly received it.  I was younger, unexperienced, i had no idea what racing on a track was like… I jumped in, both my feet ahead, and i got hurt. I found danger the hard way.

Alright, so after I received my pilots licence magna cum laude, I immediately got a call. I was requested in a huge race, among famous and obviously very experienced racers. What did I answer with at this tremendous request? D’oh, YES! “Yes of course, I’ll be there” i said to my manager.

The next week the fun began. A day before  I prepared my car for the race, engine checked, tires checked, safety checked, I respected the entire protocol.  I had to be on the track the next day, very early in the morning, so I went to sleep early. I put myself in bed and before I closed my eyes I thought ” Wow, i must be so lucky to be invited to this event. I mean, I am a girl racer, I have experience racing on the streets not on the track and yet they asked me to participate. Wow! ” After that, I slept peacefully. I could feel myself smiling in my sleep.

I got up at 5 a.m, had my coffee,  jumped in my track suit and on the road to the track i went.  When i got there, i climbed out of my car. Engines roaring, people laughing, cars trying the track, oh such joy! I immediately felt a mix of emotions rumbling in my stomach, wonder, happiness, courage, hope, impatience.. But no fear.

We’ve been explained to the entire protocol again and the race started. The initiation lap went smoothly, but then the real battle begun. After the first lap, i was proudly running second. But then, it happend. It started raining. The man running first ahead of me lost control of his car in the middle of a turn. I was right behind him when it happend. In order for me to not crash into him at such high speed, i suddenly turned. The turn caused me to lose control of my car and crash into a wall. Even now i still can’t remember what happend next.. All i know is that i woke up  two days later in a hospital. I was confused, i didnt know what happend and why was i there with broken ribs, broken ankle and a severe head concusion. My manager explained everything to me, and said that i was a hero for not crashing into the car before me because if i did, it would have killed both the man and myself. I remember i didnt say anything, not a word. I couldnt talk. Words couldnt get out of my mouth. But i could think. And i thought. I thought about the fact that i couldnt crash the car at all if i knew how. I could have spared my car from being hurt and me from being in the hospital with so many injuries and bruises. And i thought continuously.. I couldnt sleep at all while i was in the hospital. They had to sedate me so that my brain wouldnt shut down from exhaustion. The next week the president of the automobilism federation came to visit me in the hospital and handed me a gold medal. What for? Even now I’m not that sure. For saving that man’s life? I didnt save his life. He couldnt have died even if i crashed into him because his car had full rollcage. I did not save him. I ruined myself .. Big time.

I was a medical student back then. After this, after i got out of the hospital, i quit. I moved out of town. I fixed my car and i still have it today.

I’ve never talked to anyone so open before and that’s why i decided to write it all down today.

I feel… free now.

Thank you.

I donated that medal to an orphenage. I understand they sold it and bought the kids new clothes.

Now i’m a very experienced racer, i tried and i will keep on trying to learn to avoid this sort of situations. So far, it has been a success.

Another view upon the world

Rotten. Crumbled. Decomposed. Fetid. Loathsome. Mephitic. Mold. Perished. Putrid. Rancid. Sour. Stale.

People’s souls have been sucked into a dark abis.  All the magic has been drained. Every single fairy that used to wander through heart and mind has been hanged with reality’s ropes, every single unicorn that used to guide people to the end of the rainbow has had the corn broken and pushed right through the heart, every single dragon has been locked into death’s room, every single mermaid that used to enchant people’s ears with magic songs has been silenced with the atrociousness of nowadays crimes.

The Pheonix has been doomed to never carry human prayers on its wings to heaven again.There is no humanity. When the Pheonix dies, it dies in fire, but it wont rise another Pheonix from its ashes.  Not anymore. There is too much venom that overrules the morality, the value and virtue.

What people used to call humane has been now traded for inhumane.

What people used to call love has been now covered with hate.

What people used to call friend has been now transformed in enemy.

What people used to call fantasy has been now replaced with reality.

Incognito. People try to hide the evil behind goodness.

The evil that lives beneath the walls of people`s hearts manipulates them from within.

Possessed by evil. Ruled by evil.

The evil is the puppeteer and people are his puppets.

The world that used to be magical is now a nightmare of corrupted dreams, a testament of fear in eyes and a million silent screams.

There is no peace. There is war.

There is no longer white. There’s black.

Guns, chains, prisons.

Betrayal, torture, murder.

Sins. Sinners.

People.

Is this what we have turned into?

Breakdown

It’s safe to say it’s not recommended to begin my blog with a first post about breakdowns, but I’ve been thinking…

What do you do when you feel the entire world is falling upon you?

How are you supposed to act around people when you dont even know how to act when you are alone?

What are you supposed to answer with when a person asks how do you do?

How do you know you’ve hit the bottom? How do you know you’ve been mad/sad/ pissed off enough and it’s time to put an end to it?

Will you ever fully recover? Will you ever climb high enough to see the sun again?

These are few questions that have been wandering through my mind lately…